I believe anxiety could be described very often as that moments that the voice of depression tells us we lack in some significant way and we unintentionally give that lie all our attention. In our weakened state we believe the self-doubt it brings.
Thought life & Philosophical Choices:
If I was asked “what would you most like people to know, that could change everything for them”? I would say these words “Depression is a liar”, it lies, it lies it lies. That’s what I want people to know. I wish I could tell everyone that bit of information. Depression tells you that you’re not good enough, but you are good enough and you always were. It says you will never escape the darkness of its hold on you, but you can. Depression is responsible for that small voice that counters ever good thought or positive feeling you have. It catches us unaware, at our weakest point and draws us into its trap. For example: You’re having a great time at dinner with friends and as soon as you say your goodbyes and turn toward the door it’s whispering lies in your ear. It’s telling you that you’re not as good as your friends, not successful enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough. But it’s all a lie! It also likes to tell you your current situation is permanent and you can’t change. That just isn’t true. It convinces you some poor choice you’ve made is going to irreparably ruin your life. It’s all a lie! You’re good enough; you’ve always been “enough”.
“Hope springs eternal”. Have you ever heard that phrase before? The English poet Alexander Pope wrote those words. Have you thought about what it means? There is hope today and it never runs out. It just keeps coming without end. There is hope for the future. Never forget that. You can be in control, and you can hush that voice that convinces you that all hope is lost.
Anxiety:
I believe anxiety could be described very often as that moments that the voice of depression tells us we lack in some significant way and we unintentionally give that lie all our attention. In our weakened state we believe the self-doubt it brings. Obviously I’m simplifying it. My point is that we all have that voice, but it’s just getting more attention from those of us that deal with depression. I’ve both learned that bit of knowledge and proceeded to forget it on many occasions. It gave me rest and relief for a time, but then the knowledge faded and I found myself fully engaged in the turbulent battle of anxiety again. My mind focused its gaze only on the voice telling me I wasn’t worthy or enough. Anxiety left my thoughts spinning in circles of endless self-analysis. I suspect the reason that anxiety is so troubling is that our minds are unable to reconcile the threatening message the voice in our head is telling us with our knowledge of reality. The reality is that every problem has a solution, and some part of your brain knows that because it’s full time job is finding solutions to problems. Furthermore, by listening to the lie we’ve convinced our unconscious brain that the threat is real. It believes the lies too and begins to go down its emergency checklist. The fight or flight response is that checklist in action. Brain chemicals intended to tell our bodies to prepare for and deal with real threats are released in anticipation of a perceived threat. If you’re prone to anxiety attacks this information is important to be aware of. Anxiety attacks are a bluff! They can’t hurt you! You can change your focus back to the reality of the situation and tell that voice to shut up. You can take control. Once your focus is off the lie the fight or flight mechanism will be taken off high alert and the anxiety will subside.
As I mentioned, I’ve figured out that my anxiety was based on a lie many times. Each time I was able to get it under control, but over time that knowledge faded and I was back down that road. I finally realized that the little extra bonus that depression offers is a degraded memory. It works in tandem with the little voice. It tells you lies, you get passed that bump in the road and things are pretty good, then Bam you forget to ignore the lies and the voice gets you again. In order to combat that series of ups and downs I wrote myself a letter that I read to remind myself. The voice and the anxiety can only be slayed with the knowledge that you are in control. At first it was daily, then weekly, and now I read it occasionally. So I want you to write yourself a letter. A reminder as if you’re an Alzheimer’s patient that needs to be reminded of the basics. My first letter started out like this: “Depression is a liar, find work, find your purpose, get in school, fill your time with fun & books & travel. Write, build, do! Make schedules. Accept the world around you, don’t fight it! Do right, be happy”. Pretty simple, but I just needed to remind myself of the plan. You may forget what you’ve learned by tomorrow morning when that niggling voice tells you that all is lost. That’s when you need to read your cheat sheet and remind yourself of my words. And of the moment you read my words and you knew that they were true. What I’m saying is true. And truth is the only weapon against the self-doubt. So in addition to writing the steps of the plan, write yourself a little personal note of reminder for the low moments when you’ve lost your perspective and all feels lost. I keep my little note to myself on my phone saved as a .jpg file. It’s always close at hand. It reminds me to follow the plan. I’ve updated my letter over the past few years and it looks a lot like “The Plan” now.
I want you to keep your letter with you and look at it often. Along with your letter I would like you to keep this letter that I’ve written to you. Download my letter to you here.
Self-hate:
In order for us to get to our goal of happy and not depressed, we also need to let ourselves off the hook for a few things. Sit quietly for one whole minute. In that minute I would guess that at least one thought would paint you in a bad light. At least one, and for some of us it could be fifty thoughts that are negative self-hating assertions. If you’re thinking “other people would read this faster than me”, or “I don’t have the skills that other people do to fix my problems” than you know the kind of thoughts I mean. You may have a different skill set than “other people” but everyone has a skill set. Measuring yourself against “other people” is an apples & oranges affair. It’s not a fair comparison. Self-talk is similar to the “voice” of depression but it’s less of a subconscious part of our mind and more of a conscious lack of perspective. We have to retrain our self-talk. We must notice negative thoughts and counter them as they happen with a wider perspective. A great way to counter the self-hating internal dialog is to just say to yourself “So”. I know it sounds like a precocious child, but it’s like saying “so what, how is this helpful”. You must be your own advocate. Feelings of past guilt or short comings are not moving you forward so you need to ignore them and keep moving. Everyone has short comings, and everyone has a different skill set. So it’s okay to love yourself and accept that you are as capable as anyone else and ignore the self-hating dialog. Be encouraged by the fact that you have specific capabilities and successes that others don’t. Keep moving forward and leave self-hate behind. Getting caught up in the “paralysis of analysis” has often been my Achilles heel leaving me stuck and unable to see a way forward.
Feelings of guilt have plagued me over the years. Guilt goes hand in hand with self-hate. I think we often feel it’s our duty to hold on to guilt. Our parents did, and their parents. But guilt is a pointless emotion. It has no value and you must rid your life of guilt. Fortunately, it’s relatively simple to conquer. You just need to make a choice. You either forgive yourself or you make amends. Guilt is the indecision in between where you have not done one or the other. If you feel guilty over something for which you can no longer make amends then there is only one choice, forgive yourself and get on with your life. It’s okay to feel good about yourself. It’s okay to let that old baggage go. It’s good to forgive yourself.
Another symptom of self-hate is feeling like you don’t deserve good things. The word “deserve” implies worthiness of either reward or punishment and I suspect you don’t feel like you should be punished, but at the very same time you don’t feel like you should be rewarded either. That’s a pointless circle for us to get caught in. The answer is pretty simple. Unless you’re doing people wrong with dishonesty or deceitfulness that you’ve not made amends for, then you’re pretty worthy in my eyes. And I don’t believe that anyone deserves to live under the dark cloud of depression. Do you agree? I’ll go back into this subject when we get to stress management as well.