If we don’t go into the dark corners reorganizing our lives to avoid stress we’re leaving our bodies in an almost constant fight or flight situation, and no amount of sleep will help us recuperate when our brains are on edge.
Handling Stress:
There are many techniques out there that aim at reducing your stress and I suggest reading widely if this is an area you struggle with regularly. But, I’m going to tell you my personal experience dealing with stress. Stress and anxiety go hand in hand with depression but there are ways that I’ve found to combat the twins. I don’t think we realize the effect of stress on our mental health and quality of life over time. It nibbles away at us in very small ways sometimes. Many of the little stresses in life are caused by the way that we personally interact with the world around us. Stress is not the cause of depression but if left unchecked it can help push you deeper in your depression or simply hold you back from getting out of your situation. Dealing with stressors in a systematic way will help you to get free.
The effects of stress set off your nervous system leading to a very physical exhausted state that we need to get under control. If we don’t go into the dark corners reorganizing our lives to avoid stress we’re leaving our bodies in an almost constant fight or flight situation, and no amount of sleep will help us recuperate when our brains are on edge. I don’t think it’s as helpful to put all our focus on things that happen occasionally in our lives, but instead I focused on the things that happen on a regular basis like driving. I know it sounds silly, but I’m serious.
As I was struggling to reduce my stress to cope with my deepening depression I found that I was tense when I drove. By the time I arrived at my destination I needed a break. In analyzing my own behavior, I noticed that I drove too fast most of the time. I was impatient with other drivers & never left myself time to get places. The other thing I noticed was that everyone else on the road seemed to be doing the same thing. Modern living is stressful for us all. So one step to reduce your stress is to simply slow down and be patient with other people on the road. If you feel tense behind the wheel after doing this one step, reassess your own situation and see what it is about your commute that is “driving you nuts” as we like to say. Driving the speed limit is okay to do. It’s not only okay to do, it should be expected by other drivers. Being patient and kind to others is going to be a theme here. It’s even important to be patient with yourself.
Next I found that I would get really caught up in what was happening in politics or world affairs. The news was always on in our house & I just had to step back from it all. I realized that in my current situation I was not capable or healthy enough to do anything about it so I needed to let it go for now. I know not everyone gets wound up by politics, but for those of us that do it can be an unhealthy preoccupation. There may be something in your life that you are preoccupied with that is equally unhealthy. Perhaps it’s the rumor mill at work, or family politics. Whatever it is, root it out and let it go. It’s your choice to participate in such things, & you need to make good choices to get health again.
The next one is money. What a stress money can be. It’s always in the back of your mind attacking your peace. It could even be a larger stress than that for you. You may be in real financial trouble. You may even know it’s specifically your fault, so you’re dealing with the guilt of it and the stress. We talked earlier about guilt. It’s a useless emotion. Either make amends and forgive yourself or just let it go and forgive yourself. Either way forgive yourself and make changes and systems in your life that will help you avoid falling in this guilt trap over money in the future. The way to do that is to get more information & wise council. There are many services out there vying for your money that will help you deal with debt & money problems, but I suggest you stick to the wise council part & read or listen to Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University which is available as a book or audio book. It’s time to take control of your money so it’s not causing you stress all of the time. If you are spending more money than you have coming in, you’re guaranteed to have stress regardless of how much or how little you make. A good friend introduced me to Dave Ramsey’s system toward the beginning of my fifteen-year journey with major depression, and it saved me from an incredible amount of stress along the way. It’s hard to imagine what things would have been like had this part of my life under control. I was in a great deal of debt and didn’t know how to deal with the people I owed money to now that I had no income. He does a great job of explaining how to deal with creditors and their debt collection minions. Being good with money just takes a bit of effort put toward learning. You can be good with money too.
Family and Relationship Stresses:
Family pressures set off my stress. I want to please my family; that need to be seen in a good light was passed down through generations I suspect. Even the slightest indication that family is displeased with me causes emotional chaos in my life. Or it used to. It’s better now. But I had to make a big change to get to where I am now.
I had to let it all go. That means I had to stop caring what my family thought of me, or what anyone else thought of me for that matter. It’s a work in progress, but it’s helped immensely. Does that mean you should be disrespectful to your family & tell them you don’t care what they think? Nope, it’s enough for you to know that you are the captain of your own ship. And that’s really the point. If you don’t trust yourself to guide your own life, then your lack of confidence will be misread as a lack of direction by others. And we know that if someone is perceived to lack confidence in their own abilities it’s human nature to want to “help” “steer their ship”. That creates conflict. No one likes that kind of help. No one likes advice they didn’t ask for. I’m not real certain that it’s human nature to like advice we did ask for to be honest.
So is it okay to love your family despite not caring what they think of you? Yeah, it’s not only okay, it’s healthy. It will leave you free to hear the opinions of other without the pit of your stomach turning flips. Now, it’s possible that a specific person came into your mind when you read this. Perhaps you have one or several people in your life that you know will not accept you as the captain of your ship. It’s my unsolicited advice that you give them a little time to get used to the new you & if they don’t come to the party it’s time to reduce your exposure to them or simply get free of them.” I can do that”? Yes, you can do that. We can only change ourselves, it’s never acceptable to try to change others. If you’re being caused harm by your interactions with someone in your life, you may need to say your goodbyes. If that person happens to be a husband or wife, I beg that you wouldn’t use my words to end a relationship without trying.
If you’re not communicating clearly to this person regardless of your connection to them. Letting them know that your relationship must change, and communicating clearly your boundaries comes long before you remove them from your life. For people that are not family it’s probably best to simply get away from them as they certainly have no place in the pilot house of your life. Perhaps it’s a boss or co-worker (people have really weird un-healthy relationships with work mates by the way) than you’ll need to set boundaries and do your best to restrict the amount of contact you have with them. Specifically restricting the opportunities, you give them to interject their influence.
Stress caused by self-hate or guilt:
If you’re behaving in a way that makes you dislike yourself, then that needs to change. Treating others with respect & trying to see where they’re coming from is an incredible way of stifling self-hate and stress. I’ve always thought that I was a nice person that treated everyone well. But I disrespected others occasionally and I had to get that behavior under control. Practice empathy every day. Make it a habit to put yourself in others shoes. I am an empathetic person, but I find it’s something we leave out of some interactions. We can’t leave empathy passive; it must be an active exercise. A conscious decision.
Let’s step back a minute and talk about a type of guilt that I’ve not mentioned before. There is a guilt that can ruin your peace like no other. And it’s not as simple as making amends or forgiving yourself. If you genuinely feel like you are not a good person it can cause a guilt that leaves you stuck in a corner unable to either, make amends or forgive yourself. I’ve been there. This kind of guilt is perhaps the worst of all. It’s not the same as being nice or not nice. It’s become something deeper. It’s often a wound from childhood that you’ve carried into your adult life. It gets tucked away in that part of your mind that never really grows up with you. I’ve had people in my life that didn’t have my best interest in mind although, they thought they did. I was constantly under their suspicion. Regardless of what I did I was never good enough in their eyes. Despite my best attempts to please them it would always end in a painful attack on my motives.
Even as I got older and should have seen things for what they were I didn’t. I felt guilty all the time. I couldn’t have told you why I felt guilty. I just knew through my early years, and perhaps even up till I was over the age of thirty that I was never “enough”. That I was in some way stunted or different. I was convinced that no matter how hard I pushed up the hill of life, I’d lose traction at some point and all my effort would be in vein. I know most of you are thinking “why did you believe that nonsense”. But others of you know what I mean. You’re living with a guilt that you can’t get rid of or fix. What I learned was that I was always good enough to succeed. Always good enough to have good things happen in my life. Always smart enough, always strong enough, always capable of great things. I hope you’re picking up the message I’m sending here. You are enough! You are capable of great things! And that guilt that is so deeply seated in your heart is a lie perpetrated not by your inner voice, but by someone you trusted. Shame on those people that would treat us in a way that would cause this kind of guilt. But shame on us for believing it as well. We can let it go. I did and it’s removed the leash that’s held me back all my life.
Those individuals that have treated us unfairly are dealing with their own short comings poorly. They have chosen to focus outside themselves. Embarking on an impossible and painful task of changing every other living soul in a pointless hope that they can make the world around them make sense; rather than taking the restorative steps of changing themselves. If you’ve transgressed upon someone else with your “good” intentions, today is the day to set them free. Make amends. I promise you will not be diminished in anyway. You’ll be set free to find the happiness and meaning you’ve been searching for, I promise.